Stupid Pranks and Other Tales from Xavier's School
by XOXheartAmy
Summary: Random oneshots. First story is a funny Romy. Unless specified otherwise, Rogue is in full control of her powers. The letter at the top of each chapter is the rating.
1. A Really Stupid Gift

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**Don't ask how I came up with this, my mind is a very strange place.**

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**A Really Stupid Gift**

Kitty's eyes had puffy bags under them; Kurt had dark circles under his. Logan was grouchier than 'grouchier than normal'. Every X-Man, woman and new recruit was suffering from a severe lack of sleep. Everyone looked up at the ceiling, then at Bobby 'Iceman' Drake in annoyance as the noise responsible for their insomnia started up again.

"Tabby helped!" he said by way of a defence from the glares, pointing at the vivacious blonde codenamed Boom-Boom.

"Ray thought it was funny!" she added; and so the odd procession of naming the names of the New Mutants continued around the room Jubilation Lee said it was thirteen year old Jamie 'Multiple' Maddrox and Rahne 'Wolfsbane' Sinclair, who was fifteen.

Everyone stared incredulously at the youngest students in the room.

"We heard Mr Warren talking about it to Miss Betsy and we asked Jubilee what it was."

Logan looked at Warren, who looked sheepishly at the floor. Betsy blushed. "Next time, don't buy _that_."

The noise stopped for a second and everyone sighed in relief - then it started again. They all groaned in annoyance, regretting that joke gift for what must be the millionth time in that never-ending day.

Around about midday, they were greeted by the sight of Rogue and her 'reformed bad-boy' boyfriend, Remy 'Gambit' LeBeau, both of whom looking oddly refreshed, coming down for breakfast. Both were barely dressed: she in a pair of panties and one of his dress shirts, he in a pair of boxers, his reaction to Rogue's current state of undress not very well concealed at all. Logan growled.

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It was 6 o'clock in the evening when the noise finally stopped for the last time. Everyone went to bed extremely early. Remy and Rogue lay facing each other, exhausted from what they deemed their "sexcapades".

"Bes' birt'day presen' de Icecube ev'r gave m'."

Rogue grinned. "Naht lahke yah needed it anehway, but, yeah," she said in response as she dropped the two finally empty boxes in the trash: a jumbo box of condoms and the gag gift of Viagra.

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**I don't actually believe that Remy would need Viagra (seriously, people, he's **_**REMY LeBEAU!**_**) but I figured it would make for a funny oneshot.**


	2. Wolverine's Worst Lesson

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**A fun, random crackfic  
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"You want me to do _what_?"

"I simply require you to teach the Personal/Social Education course while Ororo is in Africa."

"Make Slim or Red do it."

"They're busy with college."

"... What about Hank?"

"In Washington attending a mutant rights conference."

"Tin man? Stripes? _Gumbo_?" He was obviously getting desperate.

"All attending the class."

"Like the stinking Cajun needs to. The whole mansion hears him and Rogue at night," Logan muttered.

"I'm sorry, Logan. I know this isn't your forte but you're the only faculty member left."

"What about you?"  
"I have to got and meet with Principal Kelly. Apparently, Bobby had been freezing things again."

Logan just growled.

-X-O-X-

The class was a disaster area. A fireball-fireworks-ice fight was in full flow across the room; Jamie was being chased by Piotr because the kind had stolen his sketch book full of Kitty pictures; Tabitha was listening to too-loud music and painting her fingernails shocking pink; and Rogue and Gambit were paying no attention at all being too wrapped up in each other. After "dragging Gumbo off Stripes", Logan made his way to the chalkboard, deflecting hit and cold projectiles with his claws.

"You shut up now, runts, or you spend the rest of the week in the Danger Room. With me!"

The room was settled pretty fast after that – aside from Piotr grabbing Jamie by the back of his shirt and taking his book back.

"I don't want to be here today, but I am. What are we even doing?"

"I know 'm doin' y', Roguey," Remy whispered audibly and grinned when Logan shot him an evil look.

"Mr Logan, I think it's to do with, like, that box on the table!"

Logan opened the box – and was greeted by the sight of several boxes of condoms. A single sheet of paper on the top detailed the lesson' aim: _teach the students how to put on a condom_.

"Today, you're-learning-to-put-on-a-condom," Logan ground out. "Gumbo, sit down."

"_Mais_ I already know how t' use condom," Remy replied, catching Rogue's eye, "Y' can jus' ask _ma cherie_."

Logan was about to reply – or attack, whatever – when Bobby stood and made to pull down his pants.

"What are you _doing_, Ice cube?"

"Showing them how to put on a condom!"

Everyone giggled.

"Sit. Now..." He looked up at the ceiling and muttered, "_I'm gonna _kill_ you, Charles_," before returning his attention to the class. "First, when you open the condom..." He stopped when the entire class copied his every action and growled. "First, you have to make sure it won't rip when you open it so push it down the packet before tearing the top open. Then, you take it out and– What are you doing _now_, Bobby?"

"It's like a little sombrero!" Bobby replied gleefully, putting the rolled-up condom on his head and doing a little dance in his seat.

That was the least of his problems: Tabitha had gotten bored and had unrolled her condom to fill it with cherry bombs; a whole box of condoms had 'mysteriously' gone missing when it had reached Gambit; and Jamie had stretched his condom over his head and was blowing it up by breathing out through his nose. After _not finding_ the missing box, popping Jamie's condom balloon (which had reached an impressing two-and-a-half by one feet) and throwing Tabby's 'condom bomb' out the window (that statue didn't really need a head anyway... or the rest of its body), Logan rushed through 'taking out the condom' and reached 'putting on a condom', which, sadly, involved some multi-coloured penis models.

Jubilee would forever insist that it was Amara's fault and Amara would swear it was Rahne, but there was a poking-war-of-the-penises in the back row which ended only when Logan (who was on his second-last (_SNAP!_)... _last_ nerve) demonstrated that he wished he could do to Remy if slice and dicing genitals wasn't considered assault. The class seemed to realise this was a waste of time as many (Rogue and Remy ~cough~) already knew how to use prophylactics and the rest didn't care.

The ice-fire-fireworks war restarted; Tabitha and Rahne played 'fetch' with a penis model; Rogue and Remy 'needed the toilet'; Kitty pulled out her latest batch of cookies and offered one to Kurt, her official taste-tester, who promptly 'ported away, leaving a stinking sulphurous cloud behind; Piotr began sketching and the New Mutant boys began a race around the room.

In the midst of the carnage, Jamie's lone voice piped up, "Mr Logan, what's a penis?"

Logan's final nerve snapped and, not even bothering to open it, jumped out the window and landed on the rubble of the exploded statue. After picking himself up, he ran in the general direction of Bayville High, yelling loudly, "You're dead-meat, Charles! You're dead-meat!"

And _that_ was considered a perfectly _normal_ day.


End file.
